Anastasia’s Hair Is A Travesty In ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trailer

Pornography is to cinema as Fifty Shades of Grey is to literature, and judging from the newest released trailer, the movie adaptation successfully portrays the book’s confusing, sweat-less, parody of human sexuality. Lots of vanilla folk have been up in arms over the erotic novel’s depiction of BDSM, likening (consenting) protagonist Anastasia Steele to a victim of rape, and the movie is sure to have these critics reloading their guns. But the most offensive part of the trailer isn’t when Anastasia (played by Dakota Johnson) is handcuffed to a bed or slammed against an elevator wall hard enough to flatten the back of her head. The most offensive part of the trailer is Anastasia’s hair.

Sure, the dialogue is offensive in its stupidity and the tension is offensive in its lack of… well, in its absence. But stupidity and lack of tension aren’t enough to keep me from seeing a movie — at least not once it’s free On Demand. But if, in order to absorb just how average Anastasia is, I have to look at a half-assed flatiron job, with bad coloring and uneven bangs, I’m out. Hair is an erotic thing — where it is, where it isn’t, massaging it, pulling it, smelling it — it all plays a factor in how much blood is pumping south of the border and Anastasia’s mane brought me face to face with my own frigidity.

It’s important to acknowledge that Anastasia’s appearance plays a major role in the dynamic between her and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). She’s the young, insecure virgin who doesn’t recognize her own allure until Grey thrusts it out of her. But if the goal of Fifty Shades is to titillate the audience, it’s necessary to reverse the hands of time and stop the film’s hair and makeup artist from plopping that stiff, sexless do on Anastasia’s head like she’s a Lego person. If you want Ana to seem ordinary, assume that we’re smart enough to notice through dialogue, not dog-hair.

For those who are sex-deprived enough to think that vibrators are something you plug in, or that blow jobs involve actual blowing, the Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation may be to them exactly what those marketing the film want it to be: sexy. For the rest of the population, if you’re looking to Fifty Shades for a dose of kink, you’ll find it nowhere but in Ana’s hair. In fact, you’re better off waiting for the DVD release and using the plastic case to spank each other.

Director Sam Taylor-Johnson’s film Fifty Shades of Grey will premiere in theaters on February 13, 2015.

Trailer Tuesday: ‘Ouija,’ ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ & ‘Miss Julie’

Ouija

Cast: Olivia Cooke, Ana Coto, Daren Kagasoff, Shelley Hennig
Director: Stiles White
Genre: Horror
Synopsis: A group of friends must confront their most terrifying fears when they awaken the dark powers of an ancient spirit board.

A couple of friends and I played with an ouija board once and we freaked ourselves out a little bit but ultimately… nothing happened. (Or did it?) The kids in Ouija, however, set off a chain of Final Destination-like events after one angsty-looking girl gets the bright idea to contact her dead friend’s spirit on the “other side.” From the trailer, it looks like Ouija employs a lot of jump-scare tactics; there are people getting lost in the dark, as well. Nothing too out of the ordinary for a horror movie.

Ouija will be released in theaters on October 24, 2014.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Cast: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson
Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Genre: Drama, Romance
Synopsis: Based on the novel by E.L. James, literature student Anastasia Steele’s life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey.

So that happened. As of today, Fifty Shades of Grey became the most-viewed trailer of 2014. Here I thought it was going to be a complete disaster but it’s starting to look like it’ll be a huge box office success if online movie trailer views are anything to go by. Set to a newly recorded version of “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé, the Fifty Shades trailer shows Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele meeting for the first time and Anastasia describing Christian in the blandest way possible, using words like “polite,” “intense,” and “smart.” Eventually, they do the do, whips, blindfolds, and ropes included.

British comedian Richard Ayoade put it best.

Fifty Shades of Grey will be released in theaters on February 13, 2015.

Miss Julie

Cast: Jessica Chastain, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton
Director: Liv Ullman
Genre: Drama
Synopsis: Over the course of a midsummer night in Fermanagh in 1890, an unsettled daughter of the Anglo-Irish aristocracy encourages her father’s valet to seduce her.

Sexy 19th century historical drama comes in the form of Liv Ullman’s Miss Julie, based on the Swedish play written by August Strindberg. Jessica Chastain plays the eponymous Miss Julie who enters into a sexually charged power struggle with her father’s valet Jean (Colin Farrell). Watch Colin Farrell describe Miss Julie’s ankles in the trailer above. Who knew ankles could be so sexual?

Miss Julie will debut at the Toronto International Film Festival in September 2014.