Game of Thrones returned last night with its season premiere episode, “The Wars To Come”. We all know what time it is — it’s recap time.
Season five of Game of Thrones kicks off with a Cersei flashback, in which a tiny yet still very pompous/angry Cersei drags her reluctant friend along to find a witch in the woods. There, she demands the witch read her future — and the witch acquiesces, telling her that she will marry a King, that she’ll be Queen until another comes “younger and more beautiful” to cast her down, and that she will have three children with crowns as gold as their shrouds. With Joffrey gone (yaaay!) Cersei’s youngest son Tommen is now on the throne, and Myrcella is still stuck in Dorne, having been married off to the Martells. So that’s two crowned and one dead. I’m worried for these kids, guys.
Back in present day, Cersei attends her father’s funeral, berates Jaime for releasing “that little monster” Tyrion, then glues a glass of wine to her face for the rest of the wake. Amazing. She also runs into her cousin/old fuckbuddy Lancel, who seems to have found
Jesus the Seven and has joined a religious group called the Sparrows (and is looking way better with short hair).
Tyrion meanwhile has finally made it to freedom with Varys. Tyrion seems perfectly content with drinking himself to death in his newfound home, but Varys convinces him to come with him to Meereen to seek Daenerys Targaryen’s favor and support her as she grows to take the Iron Throne.
When one of the Unsullied is found murdered by the Sons of the Harpy (a rebel force in the city resisting Dany’s rule), Dany orders her men to find the murderer and has her soldiers patrol the streets of Meereen in a display of power.
When a diplomat from Yunkai — Hizdahr zo Loraq — returns to ask Dany for permission to reopen the fighting pits — what Dany calls human cockfighting — Dany refuses. Later, Daario tries to convince Dany by telling about his youth spent in the fighting pits and how they helped him become the man he is now. She doesn’t look convinced, but she’s obviously reconsidering it. Daario goes on to tell Dany to display strength not with Unsullied patrols, but with her dragons, since she’s the Dragon Mama. Too bad the dragons Dany trapped in that pit last season are too pissed off at her to be of any help.
After losing track of Arya, Brienne has lost all hope. She declares that she’s not fit to be a leader, that she only wanted to follow a leader she could believe in, and attempts to relieve Pod of his duties as squire. Pod tries inspiring her by bringing up Sansa, since Brienne’s promise to Lady Stark was to protect both of her daughters, but Brienne won’t hear it. Which, of course, is exactly the moment when a carriage rolls by with Sansa freaking Stark right inside.
Sansa and her black dress are still traipsing about with Petyr Baelish, who promises to take her to a land so far away even Cersei can’t touch her.
Back at King’s Landing, the glorious Margaery Tyrell interrupts one of her brother’s sex sessions to drag him to dinner. During their conversation, it’s hinted that Margaery has some secret plans for her continuing bid to become The Queen.
Melisandre interrupts one of grumpy Jon’s training sessions with the recruits (is that the boy who killed Ygritte?) to bring him to Stannis — but not before making a creepy comment about Jon’s lack of virginity being a good thing. Stannis tells Jon about his plans to retake Winterfell and then the rest of the kingdom using Wildlings in his army, but he needs Mance Rayder to submit to his rule first. It’s now Jon’s job to convince Mance to save his people by bending the knee to Stannis. That goes about as well as you’d expect.
Mance refuses, so Stannis and Melisandre prepare to execute him by burning him alive in front of everyone. Jon mercy kills Mance with an arrow to the chest before the flames can really get to him. THAS MY BOY.
- So. Much. Talking. In the time since season four ended and this season’s premiere, I forgot what watching this show was like; a.k.a., 80% talking and scheming and grand speeches, and 20% actual shit happening. That’s not to say this was a bad episode, or that I didn’t enjoy any of the talking (Jon’s segment was great, which is a surprising thing for me to say because I usually zone out of anything to do with The Wall) it was just… really really slow. So. Slow.
- Ongoing list of people I’m worried about: Sansa, the baby Lannisters, Dany (sort of, since I’m sure she’ll be fine), and Jon (he’s definitely gonna get in trouble for that arrow, plus my mind is frantically coming up with all sorts of horrible reasons for why Melisandre was smirking when she said “Good” and most of them involve sacrifice)
- Speaking of lists, let me introduce you to a new segment of my recaps I’m calling The Nudity Corner (I’m also taking requests for a better name if you have one), because we all need to be keeping track of whether or not there’s equal opportunist naked times on Game of Thrones. So far, not too shabby:
Boob Count: 3
Butt Count: 2
Chest Count: 4
Penis Count: 0
Vagina Count: 1
Let me know what you thought of “The Wars To Come” in the comments!