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Hemlock Grove 2×06 “Such Dire Stuff” Recap: Baby Finally Gets A Name

Roman undertakes his first treatment with Dr. Pryce; Norman sets up a rendezvous with a beloved relative he thought was lost forever.

Pryce keeps his word and helps Roman with his hunger. It’s too bad that help involves getting strapped into a machine and getting a painful full body blood/organ transfusion. Also: no pain meds, because Pryce needs Roman awake during the whole thing. The look of glee on Pryce’s face as he says this escapes no one.

And, okay, even as bloodless as this was, this is definitely the most horrific thing to happen on Hemlock Grove. Beaumont’s Balls got nothin’ on this. Pryce informs Roman that the session went very well, and he’s “only” got five more to go to become a full human.

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Sheriff Chasseur visits Peter at home to let him know Lynda’s gone. Peter feigns shock (adorably) and Michael tells him to cut the crap, he knows Peter helped Lynda escape, but he’s got worse shit to deal with besides. He tells Peter he’ll ignore this so long as Peter agrees to help him find his sister.

Dr. Zheleznova-Burdukovskaya, the Russian scientist who keeps butting heads with Pryce, shows up at Olivia’s to ask her to please do something about that control freak with a God complex. Apparently Dr. Very Long Last Name knows all about the upir condition, knows that Roman and Olivia are of that kind, and is willing to help Olivia out in exchange for a favor later on. She’s a sneaky one, so I kinda like her, but I’m also aware there’s like a 95% chance she’s gonna die painfully before this season’s done.

When Olivia leaves the building, Norman’s P.I. takes the opportunity to go snooping around. She bags a few things as evidence. Meanwhile, Olivia goes to confront Pryce about Roman’s new medical procedure. Pryce sees this as a good thing – a mortal Roman with no supernatural powers will be much easier to manage, and besides, Roman hates Olivia and that isn’t going to change anytime soon – and suggests that Olivia turn her attentions to her granddaughter while Pryce keeps Roman busy.

Olivia heads to Roman’s house to baby snatch. She’s thwarted when Roman walks in at just the right time and throws her out. Before Olivia leaves, though, the nanny tells her all about Miranda, calling the woman “street trash.” Rude.

Elsewhere, we finally see one of the faces behind the White Masks as he presumably is meant to kill another child. Later, he’s seen sitting in his car with tears in his eyes before taking a knife and slicing his legs open, committing suicide, as the child he was supposed to kill walks merrily on home, unharmed.

The cult of White Mask-ers, because I think we’re safe to call this a cult at this point, arrives to find the dead body of their recruit. A man who is presumably their leader rants about him being too weak, before exploding the car and the corpse.

Dr. Galina Zheleznova-Burdukovskaya is brought into Pryce’s office, where he says he knows what she’s done and threatens to turn her true identity in to the Interpol, or perhaps feed her into a wood chipper. “Galina” is apparently some sort of war criminal. She leaves in disgust.

Andreas and Destiny throw a shindig with some family and friends, but Peter’s not in the mood for partying, at least not until Miranda shows up looking for him and ends up joining in. Once the party dies down, she and Peter bond over her family past – she was kicked out of the house at 16 – before Peter tells her her car is finally ready. Miranda tells him she’s leaving in the morning, but she wants to spend the night with him.

Miranda is about to leave in the morning when Destiny stops her and calls Miranda out on what Destiny believes is a grift. It seems like Destiny is fine with Miranda conning money out of rich boy Roman, but not when the con involves breaking Peter’s heart.

Norman goes to meet with Shelley outside the abandoned house after she texted him for help last episode. She says her final goodbyes with her young friend Jason and leaves, stopping when she hears Jason being beaten by his father inside. She rushes back in to stop him and ends up stabbed with a meat cleaver. With Jason sort-of saved (all his awful family members are dead, but I don’t see him coming back from this well especially since next we see him he’s just sitting in a pool of their blood playing a video game), Shelley runs outside and into Norman’s waiting van.

Norman is forced to call Pryce for help with Shelley’s injury. Pryce saves her, commenting on her lack of glowy-ness and her newfound voice, and tells her Norman is gathering the family to see her.

Peter goes after Miranda when he wakes, following her back to Roman’s, where she’s sneaking the baby out for a little day trip to the park. Peter and Roman get into a fight at his place – meanwhile, Olivia has appeared at the park out of nowhere and looks on jealously as Miranda plays with the baby.

Surprisingly, Miranda arrives back home safe and sound with the baby (I was literally expecting Olivia to vamp out and snatch it away) just as Peter and Roman’s fight dies down. Roman tells Peter the baby is Letha’s. Miranda names the baby – about goddamn time – and Peter hugs Nadia while telling her how much he loved her mother. Aww, my heart.

Miranda puts Nadia down for her nap while Roman and Peter have a heart to heart. They end up reconciling for real this time. Miranda joins in the conversation to, rather cheesily, wax poetic about the both of them before telling them she’s staying and suggesting a threesome. I guess this is where her “I’m an author” tendencies shine? Through an awful monologue? Egads.

Memorable Quotes

Andreas: The true warrior runs today and lives to fight another day.

Michael: Everyone likes to do something special now and then for their mom. I usually hold it to flowers, but then my mother’s not wanted on multiple felony counts … I don’t need to pursue this particular clusterfuck with any special vigor at this moment.

Zheleznova-Burdukovskaya: [Pryce] is a dog who eats his own feces and thinks it’s sirloin steak.

Pryce: Olivia, Roman has embarked on a rather radical lifestyle change. He is physiologically expunging all vestiges of his upir-ism. Receiving an upir-ectomy, if you will.

Pryce: Let’s call a spade a spade: he loathes you with every fibre of his being.

Olivia: I don’t kill my children. Anymore. I’ve changed.

Olivia: You have no heart.
Roman: It’s hereditary.

Miranda: It’s like my uncle used to say, “It’s not how you do a thing, it’s getting it done.”
Peter: And what did he do?
Miranda: He dropped a cinderblock on his foot and he collected disability for the rest of his life.

Miranda: Oops, sorry – did I step on your face? I think I stepped on that guy’s face.

Norman: Pryce, for once in your life, would you just shut the fuck up and listen?
Pryce: I’m shutting the fuck up and listening as per your instructions.

Comments + Verdict

  • Pryce, with his giant sized ego and sentences filled with five syllable words, remains a fave
  • Miranda has finally grown on me. Not that I actively disliked her before, I was just kinda… meh about her. But thanks to Andrea and Destiny’s party, I have seen the light.
  • Something’s been bugging me for awhile now but I was waiting to see if anything more came of it. Since it hasn’t, I’ll just say it now: was that really what Christina’s end is gonna be? I kinda thought after that big shocker of a cliffhanger at the end of S1 she’d have a bigger role to play than chasing Shelley down for 30 seconds then get ripped in half. If that was what it was the story was going to be from the beginning, it would have been better with Christina actually dying in S1 – at least that way I wouldn’t have had to go into this expecting to see her be a resurrected Big Bad. (Or maybe this had to do with the actress not returning, I dunno.)
  • It’s been six episodes can someone explain that baby’s freaky blue eyes already
  • I would probably have had a bigger reaction to the threesome if I hadn’t been spoiled for it already, but alas, I have. It apparently was out of the blue shocking for some of you, while the rest did a victory dance to the tune of “I KNEEEWW IIIIIT.”
  • This was one of the stronger episodes of the season, but I still can’t get over how terrible that “oh Peter and Roman you’re both so great let us list out the reasons why everyone should love you” speech was. It almost dragged down the rest of the surprisingly solid ep. Still, I’m gonna give it a…

Rating: B