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Hemlock Grove 2×05 “Hemlock Diego’s Policy Player’s Dream Book” Recap

Miranda and Roman seek medical advice. Peter and Destiny must find a new way of helping Lynda when her attorney informs them the case is hopeless.

It must be an unwritten law or something that one episode per season of Hemlock Grove needs to have a title that is Fall Out Boy levels of lengthiness. In season one it was “Peter’s Hierarchy of Shit He Can Live Without,” and season two’s is “Hemlock Diego’s Policy Player’s Dream Book,” which doesn’t make sense to me yet but I’m sure it will by the time this hour’s up.

After discovering and breastfeeding the baby, Miranda has a few very good questions for Roman. Instead of answering them, he starts ripping her throat out and showering them both in her blood as a poppy French song plays. I literally started laughing out loud at this scene because of the sheer amount of blood that gushed out of that (relatively) small gash on her neck. This a weird and inappropriate reaction to gore, I know, but that’s just me.

It’s quickly revealed to be a fantasy – caaalled it! – and Miranda is perfectly fine. For now, anyway. Roman finally realizes how dire his situation and decides to call Pryce for help. He tries to rush out of the house as Miranda keeps up her questioning, and ends up grudgingly giving her the number for his family doctor so she can get her spontaneous lactation problem checked out.

Sheriff Michael Chasseur drops in to visit Peter in his cell, where Peter tries to explain the whole “I saw it in a dream” thing to him. Michael says he doesn’t believe him, but ends up letting Peter go anyway since the woman Peter “threatened” isn’t around to press charges. Here’s a thing I’m still not clear on: does Michael know about the whole werewolf/vampire business and is keeping up appearances by pretending supernatural things don’t exist, or was he kept out of the Order of the Dragon loop? I feel like this was covered earlier this season and in season one, but I’m blanking.

Hemlock Grove goes Cabin Fever with a Olivia-shaves-her-legs-in-the-bath scene. She cuts herself, obviously, because she wasn’t using shaving cream and her legs weren’t even wet. Also her legs were already silky smooth so I have no idea what she thought she was shaving. Later, Pryce gives her still healing tongue a once-over  before giving her the good news: Roman called and is desperate enough to maybe listen to them this time.

Shelly is again visited by her buddy, who brings her a phone. She uses it to get into her inbox, where she sees all the emails Norman’s been sending her. Shelley types out a response to him. Peter goes home, where an irate Destiny tells him they’re supposed to meet the lawyer today. Peter leaves a message for Roman about his latest dream before they rush off. The lawyer doesn’t have good news for them: there are new charges being put on Lynda’s case, and this could potentially put Lynda away for ten years. Turning on the wrong moon is having a terrible effect on Peter’s temper; he throws a fit, trashes the lawyer’s office, and runs off.

Roman meets with Pryce in his secret lair in the subbasement, where he sees the girl in the box – which, oops, isn’t Letha after all, just kind of vaguely looks like her while floating suspended in liquid. My bad. Pryce tells Roman her name is Prycilla, and she’s the first human being to ever be created in an extra-uterine environment.

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He then shows Roman the big secret: a box filled with a “nutrient concentrate” repurposed from genetic experiments. AKA a big metal box filled with floating body parts that Roman can snack on. It’s an elegant, if disgusting, solution to a pretty dangerous problem. Roman chugs down the beaker of slimy stuff Pryce hands to him, then tosses Pryce aside so he can gorge on more, ignoring Pryce’s warning that Roman’s metabolism needs to adjust first. When he snaps out of it, he pukes and runs away.

Miranda is with the doctor Roman recommended. The man assures her there’s nothing wrong, and that she’s lactating because her body thinks it’s pregnant when it’s not – possibly because of the baby she’s been hanging around.

Peter and Destiny have left the lawyer’s office and gone straight to the prison to visit Lynda, who looks awful. Peter and Destiny lie to her about the lawyer having a good case to give her hope. Lynda tells them she’s being transferred soon… which eventually segues into PRISON BREAK TIME. Destiny cooks up some form of hallucinogen that spawns imaginary spiders all over the faces of the correctional officers taking Lynda to her new prison.

When the officers run off in a panic, Peter, Andreas and Destiny roll up to break her out. Peter hands her a plane ticket to Romania, and they rush off to the airport. I love this whole bit, man. I would totally watch a show that just consists of Peter, Destiny, Andreas and Lynda fucking around in Romania and probably enjoy it more than this one.

The airport goodbye is a touching one, as Lynda realizes this will probably be the last time she sees her son – especially since she has a “feeling” people in Hemlock Grove still need him. I love Lynda. I’ve loved her since before she smoked that joint with Olivia in season one. I hope we do see more of her at some point.

Pryce reports back to Olivia about Roman. He also tells her the lab results came back on her symptoms – one of the ones he lists is “normal human emotion,” which is just hilarious to me for some reason – and informs her that she seems to be aging at an accelerated rate. Olivia says she needs to focus now on helping Roman. Later, fed up with “sitting around waiting for death to find” her, Olivia heads out to a karaoke bar, downs a bunch of shots, then actually goes on stage and sings. It’s weird. I think I like it.

Meanwhile, her boyfriend/brother-in-law Norman is busy investigating Shelley’s email. He and his P.I. talk about Shelley, the still missing Marie, and for some unknown reason, the new sheriff’s work history. (J/K I know the reason – it’s to give us exposition on Michael’s ~mysterious past.)

Miranda’s spontaneous lactation thins happens again, and again she goes into the super secret baby room to cuddle that poor, sweet, neglected child. When Roman gets home, Miranda casually mentions that she told the doctor about Roman’s baby. Roman freaks out and makes her promise not to tell anyone else. To get her to stop asking questions, Roman also tells her the reason he’s keeping the baby secret is because there’s a history of abuse in the family – his family. “Her grandmother is dangerous,” says Roman. Even with Olivia’s current bout of empathy, “dangerous” is the understatement of the century.

Miranda comforts Roman by telling him he’s doing the best he can. They end up having sex as, again, a “slow melancholic ballad” plays. There is like, no shortage of those in Hemlock Grove, is there?

The woman and kid Peter saved awhile ago haven’t escaped their killers after all; White Mask Dudes follow them to their new digs and drown the little kid in the bath and throw his mother out the window. When Peter gets home from the airport, the Sheriff is waiting for him – and because Peter’s premonition has now become reality, Michael is willing to hear him out. He also confesses to knowing a little something about the supernatural – so I guess that answers my previous question!

The abandoned house Shelley has been staying in is broken into by three men. Shelley manages to hide in time, but knows she can’t keep doing this forever and texts Norman for help.

Roman leaves after his tryst with Miranda and sneaks into Pryce’s bedroom (where Pryce is wearing the most amazing sparkly sequined sleep mask, where can I get one of these) and begs Pryce to help him because he doesn’t want anyone else to die. Pryce agrees, but warns Roman that what he has in mind has never been done before. Dude totally just sold his soul to the damn devil.

And the devil wears sparkly sleep masks.

Memorable Quotes

Miranda: Well, I am fucking lactating! Who fucking lactates?
Roman: Mammals, mostly.
Miranda: Who have been pregnant and have had offspring. I have not been pregnant. I have not had offspring. I… I do not even like children! Children are sticky. They smell funny. [And in that moment, I swear Miranda became my patronus. I call children ‘offspring’ in that same exact tone of voice.]

Peter: I see it happen in dreams before it goes down.
Michael: And I have a pet unicorn I bought on the planet Zorknoin.
Peter: See, I told you you wouldn’t believe it!
Michael: And you knew that on account of you being psychic?

Olivia: Do you pee with excitement every time you marvel at your genius with a scalpel?
Pryce: I pride myself on my superior bladder control.

Olivia: Are you telling me I only have a couple hundred years left?!
Pryce: More like a normal human lifespan.
Olivia: Normal human lives are over like [snaps fingers] that! Hardly worth the trouble of being born.

Pryce: Compassion doesn’t suit you, Olivia. I miss that venomous disposition and the heart the size of a caraway seed.

Destiny: I’m not an assassin. I’m a freedom fighter.

Andreas: And may I say what an honor it is to meet the loins of Rumancek from which Peter sprung.

Miranda: I guess that’s just how the universe works.
Roman: Or doesn’t work. Because it’s all smashed to hell and we’re just couple of broken pieces and none of this means anything.

Peter: My life is wherever I am, you taught me that.

Comments + Verdict

  • Unless I missed it, they didn’t explain the episode title. Anyone want to enlighten me?
  • I still don’t care that much about Roman’s problems, but I did care a teensy bit more during his breakdown at the end.
  • But “no more whoop whoop whoop” is still a ridiculous line, who wrote that and what were you thinking

Rating: B-