If your life was a 45-minute police procedural, which TV detective would you want investigating your untimely murder and bringing your killer to justice? More importantly, which TV detective would you absolutely not want working the case? Here to help, we’ve compiled a list of six television characters you probably wouldn’t want to be solving your murder.
1. Horatio Caine – CSI: Miami
Would you want David Caruso turning your tragic death into a bad pun? I didn’t think so.
Just to make sure you’re 100% clear on the exact degree of cheesy badness that these puns can reach, we have compiled a list of our favorites for your reading pleasure. Behold:
- “You don’t spend a thousand dollars on clothes… that you’re never gonna wear.”
- “So our accident… is not an accident at all.”
- “The tide is rising… and we are on a sinking crime scene.”
Even better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) are the exchanges between homicide detective Frank Tripp (Rex Linn) and Horatio:
- Frank: “They call it speed dating. The victim had had fifteen dates.
Horatio: “Well, you know what they say, Frank… Speed kills.”
- Frank: “Her friends say she went down to drink mojitos and to catch some sun.”
Horatio: “Well it looks like… something… caught her.”
- Frank: “No matter how you cut it, divorce sucks.”
Horatio: “Frank… it’s a killer.”
Yeah, this guy needs to stay far, far away from our hypothetical murder scene.
2. Frank Agnes & Joe Geddes – Low Winter Sun
One of them is unhealthily hung up on his dead call girl ex-girlfriend (who he recently discovered might not have been as dead as he’d been led to believe). The other may or may not be a dirty cop (but most definitely was witness to some shadiness by his old partner). The both of them conspired to murder a fellow officer and are struggling to keep their involvement hidden.
Oh, and there’s also that plot line about an upstart gangster wannabe trying to build an empire in the city and a whole ‘nother murder case tied up in all that jazz.
Seriously, these guys have way too much on their plate to be solving our murders. Priority Number One for Frank Agnes (Mark Strong) and Joe Geddes (Lennie James) is going to be “don’t get caught” – which means our untimely deaths are going to be put on the back-burner.
This is absolutely unacceptable. Nobody puts our dead bodies in a corner.
3. Ryan Hardy – The Following
The utter incompetence of the FBI in FOX’s The Following might explains why this once-promising new show tanked so quickly and effortlessly. Kevin Bacon plays Ryan Hardy, an ex-FBI agent – battling alcoholism, mind you – who’s brought back into the force after Joe Carroll (James Purefoy), a serial killer who was put away behind bars years ago by Hardy, escapes from prison.
Despite Hardy’s obsession with Carroll, he and his fellow FBI agents are unable to catch him or stop his cult of serial killers from committing various acts of murder throughout the first season. Now for why we don’t want him anywhere near our dead bodies… this guy just isn’t very good at his job. Not to mention he’s a loose cannon who’s probably dealing with a number of psychological issues.
4. Will Graham – Hannibal
It’s not that he isn’t a talented detective, because he is. Will Graham’s (Hugh Dancy) unique ability to get in the minds of the criminals he and the FBI tracks makes him particularly useful when it comes to the more creative and notorious serial killers. (This comes with a cost, of course – emotional demons, various mental and psychological issues, inability to interact with people without coming across as extremely weird and slightly psychotic.)
No, our issue with Will has more to do with the fact that, if he’s the one investigating our murders, that must mean we died in a really, really gruesome and possibly highly painful way. Take the murderer who turned his victims into a mushroom garden, for instance, or the dude who chopped up all his victims and made a gross totem pole out of their body parts.
And if you were unlucky enough to be targeted by Mr. Hannibal Lecter himself? Well, your remains are gonna end up in a fancy French dish and fed to unsuspecting dinner guests.
No one wants to go out like that, man.
5. Olivia Pope & Associates – Scandal
Unlike the other TV characters on this list, Olivia (Kerry Washington) isn’t a police officer or an FBI agent – even more important than any of those other occupations, Olivia is a professional “fixer”. Murders and mysterious deaths aren’t unusual in Olivia’s line of work. But Olivia’s job isn’t to uphold the law. Rather, she’s there to help her clients and if her client needs help covering up a crime scene then so be it. She’s got a pretty badass team to back her up, too.
There’s Huck, the “wacky” ex-super-secret-CIA agent, the well-dressed Harrison who can talk himself out of anything, Abby the scathing redhead, and Quinn, a seemingly innocent brunette who turned out be fugitive named Lindsay. Chances are that Olivia and her team will figure out the identity of your killer. Bad news is that there’s a good chance your killer won’t face the consequences.
6. Hank Schrader – Breaking Bad
Perhaps it’s a little cruel to put Hank on this list, considering his fate in “Ozymandias” – all because of his quest for justice against his brother-in-law. But that’s pretty much exactly why we’re putting Hank on this list, because – unfortunately for Hank – it was all too little, too late. Walter White was smart, that’s undeniable, but he was the brother-in-law of a successful DEA agent who should have been able to figure out Walt’s alterego as Heisenberg much earlier in the series.
It’s likely that Hank had a blindspot when it came to Walt (most of us would never suspect an unassuming high school chemistry teacher and close family member of being a notorious drug kingpin), but there were several points throughout the series where Walt exhibited suspicious behavior and Hank could have put two and two together. It wasn’t until the last season of Breaking Bad, through sheer luck and just by being in the right place at the right time, that Hank finally came to that realization.