2×05 “The Double Deuce”
When Woodhouse’s old military chums start turning up dead, Archer sets out to protect his valet and find the killer, all while caring for baby Seamus.
Wee baby Seamus makes his trimphant return! As baby momma Trinette flounces off to the annual “Pimps and Hos” Ball, she leaves the wee child with his baby daddy, Archer.
Archer is not at all happy about this turn of events. He’s even unhappier to find out that his Friday is now ruined because not only does he have to put up with a crying child, he now has to solve the mystery of why Woodhouse’s old army buddies are being murdered. (He does this reluctantly, because otherwise his regular supply of Woodhouse-created cocktails would be disturbed.)
Woodhouse regales Archer and wee baby Seamus with stories of his time in the military, particularly of his Captain Reggie Thistleton, with whom Woodhouse seemed to be very close. Like, very close. Super duper duper close.
There’s also the case of the tontine that Woodhouse and his buddies took part in – an agreement to pool sums of money or something of value other than money, permitting the last survivor of the group to take everything – and Woodhouse suspects Scripes is the murderer, since he had always been jealous of how Thistleton and the other men carried on.
One of the remaining survivors, a man named “Stinky,” pays a visit to Archer’s apartment and tells Woodhouse his plan to ambush Scripes (by turning Archer’s “fruity flat” into a killing field.) Archer gains points towards Worst Father Of The Year by letting wee baby Seamus play with progressively dangerous things. Like, shaving cream. And knives. And champagne. He eventually dumps the kid off on his mother, Malory, which takes care of that problem.
Back at the apartment, Woodhouse continues his tale of how Captain Thistleton died, and how Woodhouse, in his grief, shed his mild-mannered manservant personality and became a blood-crazed war hero.
Woodhouse would go on to open a bar in Tangiers named after Thistleton, which is how he met Malory – she stumbled in and gave birth to Archer right on the nasty bar table. Archer eventually realizes how awesome Woodhouse is for sacrificing everything to raise Archer, and rushes to Woodhouse’s defense.
Only there’s not much to defend, since Scripes wasn’t coming to kill Woodhouse and Stinky at all, he was just trying to make amends with his asshat behavior back in the day.
Archer jumpkicks Scripes off the roof anyways. Whoops!
Archer: How much are we talking here?
Woodhouse: Over twelve hundred pounds.
Archer: Whaaat? No one is getting killed over… however much that is in real money.
Archer: I’m not an idiot, Woodhouse. Unlike some people around here!
[Archer looks pointedly at wee baby Seamus]
Archer: I can do “baby,” or I can do “geezer murder mystery,” but I can’t do both.
Archer: You… want me to take a baby. To a murder.
Malory: Or wherever, just out of here. I have no more love to give today.
2×06 “The Double Deuce”
Hoping to overcome his reputation as a loser, Cyril secretly deploys a virus into ISIS’s computers so that he can then heroically defeat it.
Feeling underappreciated and constantly made fun of, Cyril (with the help of an extremely shady dude at a bar, and come on Cyril, you should really know better by now) comes up with a master plan which will make him the hero of ISIS for a day.
The plan is this: upload a not-at-all-suspicious virus into the ISIS mainframe, wait until it wreaks a substantial amount of havoc, and then smoothly step in to type some magical code which will render the virus inert. Step one goes off without a hitch, step two… not so much, since no one will let Cyril get near a computer to type his code.
Cyril runs off to shady dude at the bar – who’s named George – and tells him what happened. To Cyril’s dismay, George doesn’t seem to care at all that step two didn’t go as planned, and even offers Cyril a plateful of money as “payment for services rendered.” It’s about this time that Cyril should be realizing the huge mistake he just made, but George offers up some lame story about being a security consultant and Cyril eats that up. (Though to be perfectly honest, for fifty grand, I would eat just about anything.)
Everyone at ISIS struggles to gain control of the mutating virus as Cyril stands helplessly by. When Cyril finds out that the virus is copying ISIS’s list of field agents and uploading them to an off-site server – George’s off-site server – he finally realizes what’s up and runs off to confront George. When asking him very nicely to please give the list back doesn’t work, Cyril enlists Archer’s help.
This leads to a totally badass fight scene, at the end of which Cyril manages to overcome his performing-under-pressure-anxiety by shooting the server to tiny pieces. George loses his chance at fifty million dollars, and out of fear for his own life, runs away with his tail between his legs. So Cyril managed to save the day after all, yay!
…With shitloads of Archer’s help. But whatever, it still counts.
Archer: I’m sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the sound of my deafening awesomeness.
Archer: Hey! Hey Pam, get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you!
Archer: Hah. No. It’s a Catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me.
Cyril: George, there’s money in here!
George: Oh good, for a second I thought they’d brought you chicken toes or something.
Cyril: Hey, how about I take a crack? I bet I could kill that pesky old worm!
Lana: How? Are you gonna disappoint it to death?
Archer: What? Krieger can’t even beat the worm. Krieger, whose virtual girlfriend is so realistic the state of New York is allowing him to marry her.
Cyril: Fifty million in real bearer bonds! Which are, um, real.
George: Unbelieveable. No, literally. I don’t believe you.