I need season 5 of Archer in my life so badly, but since that won’t come until 2014, all that’s left for me to do is marathon old episodes and weep over the awesomeness. Which is exactly what I’m doing. Thank Kanyeesus for my Netflix subscription.
Sent to a Swiss resort town to protect the daughter of a billionaire, Archer quickly discovers that the girl will do anything to seduce him.
The illustrious Ms. Malory Archer sends her son Sterling Archer on a mission to sway a German billionaire into investing in ISIS by protecting the dude’s daughter, Anke Schlotz.
Poor sweet Cyril, on the other hand, is forced by Malory to start cooking the books lest he be thrown back into a mental health facility. (Yeah, so that happened in between season 1 and season 2. Cyril suffers from sexual addiction, which wasn’t even the thing he was getting treated for at the facility, the poor sweet thing.)
Flash forward to Gstaad, where Anke is having her 17th birthday party.
Due to drastic budget cuts, everyone has to share a room. The pairings go like this: Lana and Malory, Archer and Ray, and Pam and a box of absinthe in the cellar. At least the alcohol will keep her warm.
Conrad and Anke Schlotz go to greet the ISIS agents when they arrive. Anke grabs Archer’s ass – unseen by everyone else, naturally – and his flustered reaction to being molested by a 16-going-on-17 year old is ridiculed because no one believes him.
Cut to the nefarious villains of the episode, who are posing as two bellhops and the annoyed-looking receptionist from before. The would-be kidnappers plot out their game plan over explosives and stinky cheese, as nefarious villains are wont to do.
Archer, meanwhile, is getting accosted again in his quarters by Anke, who’s doing everything she can to seduce him short of physically launching herself at his genitals.
They’re interrupted by Bellhop Twin #1, who tries to kidnap Anke at gunpoint. Archer rescues her using a badass move involving hairspray and candles, so Anke chooses to repay him for saving her life by… you guessed it, launching herself at his genitals.
Her father chooses this exact moment to walk in, because that’s the type of day Archer’s going to be having today. Anke blames Archer for everything, but at least she convinces her dad not to press charges afterwards. They let Suspected Pedophile Sterling Archer stick around for the party, too, and he continues to get groped by Lady Miss Fingerbang at random intervals.
Fearing that the contract with Mr. Billionaire is at risk, Malory sets out to seduce Conrad Schlotz herself, but she’s beaten to the punch by none other than Pam Poovey. Of course Malory doesn’t let this stop her from getting her way, and weasels her way into a threesome with Conrad and Pam.
Elsewhere, Archer and Lana look over the security feeds. Archer sees who he thinks is the guy he set on fire walking around totally not on fire (when it’s actually Bellhop Twin #2), so in an attempt to prove he was right, Archer runs off to intercept the dude. Lana gives chase when she realizes Archer’s gun is unloaded.
Archer has a head start, though, so when the power goes out, Archer’s stranded by himself in the hotel lobby. Anke magically appears again, this time going full-on topless. And then the remaining two bad guys appear with their automatic rifles.
Archer and Anke manage to get on a snowmobile and drive off just as bunch of backup villain snowmobiles show up and give chase.
Archer lives up to his World’s Greatest Secret Agent title by picking off the bad guys one by one, and saving Anke’s life yet again. During the fight, though, Archer and Anke bond over their similar lifestyles – having one parent who was more or less absent, being shuffled off to boarding schools and summer camps all the time, etc – and end up pretty friendly with each other.
And then Lana rolls up to see Archer with his hands on Anke’s boobs. Yurp.
Archer: [Anke] obviously needs someone on her constantly! So I will be that someone who is constantly… on her.
Malory: That ‘crap’ is $300 a bottle and you can’t get it in America, so not another sip! And the rest of you make room in your luggage for ten liters apiece!
Malory: I know. What kind of limit is that?
Archer: You don’t want the World’s Greatest Secret Agent on the case? FINE. You want Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? FINE!
Anke: I am from Germany. Where the age of consent is 14…
Archer: What? What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
Anke: In many ways, yes.
Anke: Ray, what is a ‘blowjob’?
Ray: [to Archer] Shame on you! Fie and shame! [to Anke] And it’s something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up.
Anke: Before it gets too dark, let me ask your opinion on something.
Archer: Wha- rezip! Rezip! REZIP!
Anke: Do you think I need a boob job?